Bronchitis and Urinalysis

Well I have bronchitis and am taking some antibiotics which seem to be doing the trick. I apologize to any loyal fans out there for my absence. It turns out that babies are germ laden. Who'd a thunk.

I will officially begin my career with a mega corporate behemoth that shall go unnamed (if you really want to know email me). Well that's pending the background check and urinalysis, but since I am in this country on a stolen passport and have been living under false names for the past 10 years I don't expect any trouble. Caffeine isn't a drug, right?

Small side note on the pee test, to which I am 100% morally opposed on the grounds of personal privacy, but to drive my belief home the big day unfolded thusly:

I walked into corporate medical facility and was greeted by a 4 page fill-in-the-bubbles-with-#2 -pencil form. It took me about 30 minutes to complete because (believe it or not) you had to write in your name, address and phone and then bubble in each letter corresponding to your name. I am pretty sure this was some sort of psych test to evaluate how I would fare mentally when faced with the task of completing a mind-numbingly idiotic exercise.

So I sat in the lobby filling in the circles which corresponded to each of the letters of my name and address - of course, all the while having to pee in the worst way. After all, I knew I was going to have to produce for the test so I had plenty of fluids that morning.

To recap: Filling in tiny bubbles with a pencil to let them know how to spell my name which is clearly written across the top of the form while nursing a very full bladder sitting in the lobby of corporate HQ...

Task one done. Crazy circle form handed back to admin.

Next, I was to check in at the nurses station. The nurse was nice and unassuming, the type of person who seemed to have the aloofness I think would be necessary when handling others' wee all day long. She got right to business and handed me a plastic jar with cap. Actually she handed me a large jar with cap with a slightly smaller jar and cap inside of it. The bigger jar had paper around the outside. I was instructed to take out the smaller inner container and fill it half way up and then put the lid back on and place the smaller container back into the larger container and seal that up.

This little Russian doll exercise was presumably to spare me the embarrassment of being seen walking back into to the office holding a container of my own urine. Oddly enough the bathroom was down the hall so required me to travel with my potty jar for some distance prior to returning to the office... I don't know what's so humiliating about that...

I made it back to the office with a minimal amount of mortification and handed her the jar-in-jar configuration. She explained that she was then going to empty half my wee into an even smaller plastic container which they will send to the lab where they will peer into my golden past looking for any indications of misdeeds. As she poured the liquid from one container to the next it become evident that there was a small crack in the container she was pouring my urine into. She noted this by saying, "Oh this container must have a crack because I am usually really good at transferring the specimen from one container to the other." What a great life skill to have - expert urine juggler.

She was right, however, as we both stared at the little puddle of my piddle that was now on her desk. "I am going to get another container, one that isn't cracked" she explained and quickly returned with said container. As she transferred the fluid from the cracked container to the non-cracked container things went from bad to worse.

The containers are made of plastic and we could see the crack running vertically up the side of the offending vessel. The vertical nature of this crack acted as something of a spigot as she re-transferred my urine into the better vial. So now, the puddle had grown into more of a pool. All the while I was sitting there thinking, how did we as a society ever decide that this was the best way to evaluate potential candidates for jobs?

Thankfully, the new container held steady and she was able to affix the label for the courier. I left feeling violated and relieved (pun intended) all at the same time.

The things I do for a job.